Hello my name is Darren and I’m a recovered sex addict. I don’t say this to be arrogant, cocky, different or controversial, but it turns out to be a very unique and rare thing to hear during introductions at a 12 Step meeting. All too frequently, a rather senseless argument is heard within the 12 Step rooms as to whether a person is a recovered or a recovering addict. Ironically, that argument is usually initiated by a person who is neither or simply has never meet someone that introduces themselves like this. Sometimes they simply don’t know any better.
If you will look carefully at the title page of the 4th edition of “Alcoholics Anonymous” it says “The Story of How Many Thousands of Men and Women Have Recovered from Alcoholism”. For sex addiction we just replace the word alcohol with selfish sex, drinking gets replaced by using or acting out, you get the idea. For this article I will modify the text of that book at certain times to reflect the language of the disease of sex addiction.
If you then turn to the Preface on page xi, 2nd paragraph and read, “Because this book has become the basic text for our Society,…..” So, if it is “The Basic Text” for the 12 Step fellowships, the answer to the recovered/recovering question must lie between pages xi and 164.
First of all, let’s go to page xiii and read how Bill W. introduced the book “Alcoholics Anonymous” to the world. He wrote:
“We of Alcoholics Anonymous, are more than one hundred men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. To show other addicts precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book.”
Hmmm, recovered alcoholics authored the Basic Text for the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Since I am a sex addict I will use the language of the people who were just like me and authored this book. To us it doesn’t matter what the professionals, doctors, counselors, addiction experts, spouses, friends, treatment centers, other books chose to use to describe people like us.
What do they mean by recovered? Recovered is a past tense word meaning that they are no longer suffering from a seemingly hopeless case of mind and body. Sounds good to me. I’m tired of suffering and hurting others. I just want to get well. What do I have to do? Well, Dr. Silkworth said he believed that we had an allergy of the body that produced a physical craving once we took in some lust filled actions, the result of which is that we always use more than we wanted to, passing through the well known stages of a spree emerging remorseful with a firm resolution to never use again. (AA, pg xxvii). There is no known solution for that problem of the body that Silkworth describes and which makes sense in light of my experience trying to control and moderate my selfish sexual behavior. My body responds with a physical craving for more. That will never change. We are not cured of sexual addiction. (AA, pg 85) So that problem is solved only by entire abstinence (see our article on Abstinence). (AA, pg xxviii). If we don’t use, we can’t get high. What an insultingly simple truth.
So what’s the problem? “Therefore, the main problem of the sex addict centers in his mind, rather than in his body.” (AA, pg 23) And the problem is:
“The fact is that most addicts, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in acting out. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first selfish sexual behavior.” (AA, pg 24)
How does that problem of the mind manifest itself in the chronic sex addict?
“The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his acting out is the great obsession of every abnormal user.” (AA, pg 30)
“He had much knowledge about himself as a sex addict. Yet all reasons for not using were easily pushed aside in favor of the foolish idea that he could take in a little selfish sexual behavior if it just didn’t involve anyone else!”. (AA, pg 37)
“Whatever the precise definition of the word may be, we call this plain insanity.” (AA, pg 37)
How should “insanity” be defined for our situation?
Insanity – State of being insane; unsoundness of mind or without recognition of one’s illness – (Webster)
We cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false – (Dr. Silkworth, AA, pg xxvi)
The real problem of the chronic sex addict, then is the insane thinking when it comes to selfish sex, i.e. cold sober, and having lost many things and created numerous problems because of our acting out, we go into an adult establishment or visit a website or person and buy, use, view, interact with others and stuff that has robbed us of everything decent in life and start using one more time because we love the sense of ease and comfort that comes at once by acting out. But then the physical craving for more kicks in and every image, fantasy, touch, experience convinces us that we need another hit. Then the spree. Then the guilt and remorse. Then the pledge, the vow, the promise, etc. to never do it again. Then, because I haven’t done anything to treat the disease sufficiently, I become restless, irritable and discontented the further I get from my last hit. Then the first thought of using just one more time. Then opportunity. Then the first act. Then the spree. Then the humiliation. Then the pledge, the vow, the promise. Then restless, irritable and discontented. Thought, opportunity, give in, first hit. Then the spree……. It is all repeated over and over and over.
The insanity of our disease is the source of the unmanageability of our lives. The unmanageability referred to in Step 1 occurs while sober. If we could manage that decision, pledge, vow, promise, etc. to never use again, we would not need the Power found as a result of the actions taken working the 12 Step Program.
There may be other areas of our lives with lacking degrees of unmanageability but the killer is that relating to our inability to stay stopped. The real addict’s life depends on their ability to not use because we can’t predict where the next spree will take us. The ultimate consequence being death. (Yes you can die of untreated sex addiction.) Our life also depends on finding a little peace of mind, serenity, and happiness while sober so that our mind doesn’t take us back to seeking ease and comfort with more acting out.
Selfish sex is not the problem. However, because of the progressive nature of the disease it creates lots of problems (including death) for sex addicts so to the outsider looking in it clearly looks like the problem. The out of control behavior is what the world sees.
Sex Addicts have no problem using selfish sex. We’ve been using it our entire lives. One day we made a decision to stop and realized we couldn’t do that for very long on our own power. Yikes! Now what?
Stopping is not the problem. Sex addicts have a variety of ways to stop using. Cold turkey, trashing the stash, erasing content, deleting contacts, moving locations, ending relationships or starting new ones, seeking various other forms of human help with the hope that they will help us so that we never have to act out again. For the real addict, who is beyond human aid these methods, although beneficial and encouraged in many instances, could not provide the needed power for long term happy contented sobriety that the authors of the Big Book found. We wanted what they had.
Staying stopped is the problem. We are unable to manage (unmanageability) a decision to save our own life by staying stopped. Again this means the untreated sex addict has an unmanageable life sober. This is the problem, centered in mind of the sex addict, which the world can’t see. Only the addict can see it. If we had the will power to stop starting, selfish sex would not create problems in our lives. “Lack of Power, that was our dilemma. We must find a Power greater than ourselves!” (AA, pg 62)
Now we have identified the real problem of the hopeless chronic sex addict.
“However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where selfish sex has been involved, we have been strangely insane. Strong language–but isn’t it true?” (AA, pg 38)
We are real addicts (not hard users of selfish sex who are only physically addicted who will get better after detox) because we lack the power to manage a decision to not engage in the first action. We must therefore find a Higher Power if our human power is insufficient to act sanely where selfish sex is concerned. In fact our life depends on finding this power. Moderate or hard users of self sex don’t need to rely on this power. They have the ability to moderate or stay stopped on their own efforts for the rest of their lives and be happy in that decision. The 12 Step Program is not necessary for them.
So, if we carefully follow the clear-cut directions (AA, pg 29) up to and including pages 84 & 85, we will receive one of the many promises of our Program (The Twelve Steps of…fill in your specific fellowship name), “For by this time sanity will have returned.” (AA, pg 84)
Now, we have recovered. Read the Tenth Step promises from the bottom of page 84 to the bottom of page 85. If that leaves any doubt in your mind, carefully read pages xiii (2X), xv, xvii, xxiii, 17, 20, 29, 91, 97, 113, 132 & 133. You will find the word recovered on each page.
It seems to us that the most powerful statement of those referred to is this one on page 132. “We have recovered and have been given the Power to help others.” What a miraculous deal!!! Don’t miss it!!!!
I hope we have clearly identified who the recovered sex addict is. What about the recovering sex addict? The recovering addict is one who is somewhere between Steps Three and Eleven. They are in the process of coming to believe but have yet to have a spiritual awakening/experience. This is a temporary status while actively doing the work. Bill W. was a recovering alcoholic for 2 – 3 days in Townes Hospital (physical detox for alcohol is 2-4 days after which the alcoholic is no longer physically craving more alcohol). Most of the alcoholics who participated in the writing of the Big Book took the Steps during the first 7 – 10 days after their last drink. Many had recovered before they ever attended a meeting. In the early days you had to be sponsored into a meeting and you certainly didn’t say anything until you had the “vital spiritual experience”. After all that is our message and if you haven’t experienced that then what message are you carrying? (There are plenty of archives and 12 Step history books to read about these early experiences.)
If a person is coming to a 12 Step fellowship for help because they have been unable to find a way to stop starting to act out and are not taking or have not taken the Steps, they are neither recovering nor are they recovered. They have a case of untreated sex addiction and if they are a real sex addict like the Big Book describes, they will use again no matter what! Often they are the ones who choose to declare that there is no such thing as a recovered addict. How would they know?
Nowhere in Alcoholics Anonymous literature does it suggest that if an alcoholic goes to enough meetings, they will recover. No, the recovered alcoholics who authored the Basic Text Book said they recovered as the result of taking all the Steps, not simply sitting in a circle sharing in an hour long 12 Step meeting a few days a week for the rest of their lives. Our message to the new comer is simple and clear. It is spelled out in our 12th Step. When the newcomer asks us how it is that we are sober and happy about it we simply say with a smile, “We had a spiritual awakening as the result of these 12 Steps.”
If I haven’t used selfish sexual behavior for longer than 90-100 days I am no longer being impacted by the physical aspect of the disease. I am no longer physically craving more of the same. I have made it through the detox period for a sex addict.
If I didn’t wake up today obsessing about acting out and I am experiencing the promises of the program welcome to being a recovered sex addict.
We paid a hell of a price to get here. Let’s pay the price to stay here by having a spiritual awakening as the result of taking the Twelve Steps as originally written and instructed to be taken by following the directions in the original text book “Alcoholics Anonymous”.
So, if you’ve had a Spiritual experience as a result of all 12 Steps go ahead and introduce yourself as a person who has RECOVERED! If it was good enough for the founders of 12 Step it’s good enough for me.
Originally authored by Cliff B. of PPG AA Dallas modified for sex addiction by: Darren F. 469-630-1935 steeel.onsteel@yahoo.com