(updated January 2024)
PROBLEM OF THE BODY- physical part that sets me apart from normal users
SEEK AN EFFECT (Why do we act out? provide examples-Men and women act out essentially because we like the effect produced (p. xviii). The sense of ease and comfort that comes at once when we act out, pleasure, that feeling of Ahhh everything will be okay, escape, rush, excitement, sense of belonging, sense of being loved or needed, anticipation of behavior is often better than the act itself, etc.)
1ST BEHAVIOR- seeking the above effects leads to first behavior (provide common examples and point out the common denominator of how each of these is selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate: porn, affairs, clubs, massage parlors, chat rooms, prostitution, etc. (don’t share the worst thing you ever did at this point until you know a little more about the new man)
The following characteristic his HOW AN ADDICT IS DIFFERENT THAN OTHER PEOPLE and is the reason we need to learn to live sober.
PHYSICAL CRAVING/ALLERGY (10% club, normal users of selfish sex don’t have this response) We (real addicts) have an abnormal reaction to selfish sex which means we physically crave more and more and more (this is different than mentally desiring more and more)
PHENOMENON OF CRAVING (as long as the chemicals that my body produces as a result of my behavior are present in my body then my body is in charge of what I do, where I go and how much time I spend. I can’t will myself to stop or moderate just like I can’t stop or moderate any type of allergic reaction with my mind. Sometimes the craving is satisfied after a few min. Unfortunately, I remember those times which gives me a false sense of control. Other times I would be using for hours and feel like I could never get to that happy spot. Anticipate 90 plus days of abstinence to detox so I’m no longer physically craving selfish sex.
BINGE/SPREE – a few hours or many days/weeks/months. Eventually the spree ends because of an outside circumstance that temporarily stop me. I didn’t choose to stop. Examples that show I’m not really in charge of when or how I stop are; getting caught, run out of time, run out of money, fall asleep, someone comes home, injure myself, get beat up or threatened, cops show up, computer virus, etc.
CONSEQUENCES (Not being able to control leads to consequences (BSH) Bad Shit Happening) Some common examples; lost time, money, sleep, loss of relationships, lost health, lost job, loss of freedom, loss of peace of mind, etc.)
PLAN NEW WAYS TO CONTROL (because I still don’t really want to stop at this point and I didn’t like those consequences, I will try new ideas to control and hopefully minimize consequences. Some examples are only use cash, only when alone, only away from home, never at work, won’t give out my phone number, give fake name, create secret accounts, etc.) HOW DID THAT WORK OUT FOR YOU? Boundaries and threats of consequences aren’t a solution
PROGRESSION (has it gotten worse overtime? Can you see how it might get worse? I just haven’t done that yet! What is the ultimate consequence of untreated sex addiction?)
ROCK BOTTOM – This is different for everyone. Some tolerate more internal pain for a longer period of time and lose more. High bottom / low bottom.
SWEAR OFF- I’M DONE we mean it this time
DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH THE INABILITY TO CONTROL HOW MUCH YOU USE?
The simple solution to this phenomenon of craving is don’t ever start using. Just stop. If I don’t put it in my body my life won’t burn to the ground. Normal or moderate users can do this. I’m not normal. My experience tells me I have an allergy like response to selfish sex.
This leads us to the main problem of the sex addicts which centers in our mind rather than our body.
PROBLEM OF THE MIND (the main problem of the sex addict centers in our mind rather than in our body. P23)
Ways I’ve tried to stop (Let’s assume some self-willed abstinence for 90+days so now I’m detoxed, I’m no longer experiencing the physical craving piece of the disease, so the following description happens while abstinent)
COMMON METHODS OF CHANGE? What are you going to do to hopefully change yourself to ensure you never act out again? Examples that some of us tried; Therapy, self-help, hobbies, work more hours, swearing off, church, just going to meetings, accountability, software blockers, get in relationship/get out of relationship (wedding cake method), geographic, etc.) Did anyone try anything else?
WHAT DO ALL THESE METHODS HAVE IN COMMON (2 things, they didn’t work to keep me sober and it’s me using my mind or the mind of another human to fix me (human power) We’ve learned we are beyond human power. I HAVE A SICK MIND (can’t fix a sick mind with a sick mind)
LIFE COMES AT US (examples: traffic, trouble at work, home trouble, relationship trouble, health issues, cat pees on rug, bedevilment issues on page 52) I experience life as RID.
RESTLESS IRRITABLE DISCONTENT default mode: not comfortable in my own skin, never satisfied, never content with life, always mad at you or myself.
TROUBLE AHEAD–HOW I EXPEREICE LIFE WITHOUT ACTING OUT without a real change (solution)
MENTAL OBSESSION An obsession is a thought that pushes out all other thoughts. A persistent, disturbing, preoccupation with an unreasonable idea.
MENTAL BLANK SPOT (pg.24 stuff. Fear of consequences only works for a week or month)
INSANE IDEA/DELUSION – Eventually I will start listening to the ideas my head is coming up with that might make me feel different. Sounds like this; I can safely use, I’m like a normal user, it wasn’t that bad, I can get away with just a little bit. The insane ideas are centered on the false idea (delusion) that I have power that I don’t really have. I think I have power to control and enjoy. I believe this time will be different.
MIND DOESN’T FEEL GOOD living this way. Character defects eating my lunch. What do we do when we don’t feel good? Seek ease and comfort?
OPPORTUNITY- life brings opportunities without me planning on doing anything. (I’m home alone, I got some extra time, money, I turn the corner and there she/he is.) Sometime “dude” happens. Not a cloud on the horizon, the end of a perfect day, a little voice in my head says, “dude you know what would be great right now”. Off we go down the spin cycle.
UNMANAGEABLE DECISION-on my own power, with my sick mind, I’m unable to manage a decision to not act out 100% of the time. I will eventually do something that I know will hurt me or others. I can’t predict when or how this day will come but it will come. Life is unmanageable while sober.
WILL I OR WON’T I? (Sometimes we say no but eventually we say yes)
GIVE IN (The needed POWER isn’t there)
Can you identify with the inability to stay sober on your own power? If yes, then we move on to briefly summarize how the Twelve Steps get us to POWER by removing character defects and removing the mental obsession. If no, then we stop here and encourage them to talk to others to see if they might be able to help them identify with the disease.